If you suspect or know that your husband or boyfriend has been cheating, I suspect there are several questions that you want answered. I know this because I was in your shoes and for a long time, I allowed these questions to eat me alive. In this article, I will go over very common questions wives / girlfriends of cheating husbands / boyfriends often want to know and explain why each question may or may not be important in saving the marriage or relationship. I am basing this information on my own experience and from extensive research and counseling I conducted when I was trying to heal myself and my marriage from the affair.
1. “How Could This Happen?” “Why Am I The Last To Know?”: This is probably the most common question when an affair has taken place. The first emotion that many of us feel is absolute shock. Often, our legs are pulled right out from under us and we immediately want to know how on earth this was going on right under own nose.
Eventually, we may eventually blame ourselves for being so naïve. But, here is what you need to understand. It is highly likely that you have not participated in any dishonest behavior and have been faithful.
So, it’s doubtful that you’ll ever be able to fully walk in your significant other’s shoes since your mindset is so different here. While working with your husband or boyfriend can give you significant insight into why the affair happened (and allow you the opportunity to address these issues) it’s best to focus on this question only in terms of how it can help you prevent it from being repeated in the future rather than allowing it to cause you more pain.
2. “How Could He Do This To Me?”: This question will eat you alive if you let it. The sense of betrayal after learning of an affair is devastating and is extremely hard to shake. Moving past it takes time.
It’s vital that if you decide you want to save the relationship, you determine why this happened so you work through it and prevent it’s return, but it’s also very important you don’t get hung up on one repetitive question that can’t really be definitely answered.
If you think about it honestly, what answer could your husband or boyfriend give you that would make you feel better? This is a question with no real acceptable answer.
Sometimes, your husband, boyfriend or partner greatly regrets his actions and would give anything to take them back, but unfortunately, he can not. It’s better to ask instead “how I can I get past what was done to me?” rather than why it was done.
3. “Can I Ever Trust Him Again?”: This is a very fair question after learning about cheating or an affair. And one which you absolutely need to know the answer to. But, this is one questions that you have to answer yourself by honestly evaluating the situation as objectively as you can.
Of course, your husband or boyfriend is going to tell you that he will never do it again. Whether you believe him or not will greatly depend upon how willing he is to do the work which must be done to repair and rebuild the trust and how he has behaved in the past.
If the betrayal is a repetitive behavior for him, then your antennae should go up. But if he’s never given you a reason to doubt or distrust him before and has always treated you with love and respect, you may want to be a bit more open and patient.
4. “Am I Being A Fool, Naive, Or Doormat If I Still Love Him And Want To Save The Marriage Or Relationship?”: My opinion to this question is mostly no. If you had a solid, loving, and reciprocal relationship before the affair, it is understandable not to want to let one mistake or one person ruin all of this hard work, time, and commitment over one wrong decision.
There is sort a line though that many women cross when they want to save the marriage / relationship at all costs and let their husband / boyfriends off the hook too easily. Sometimes a woman will even assume responsibility for the affair when it was the husband or boyfriend who made the wrong choice.
This IS giving your power away and can result in your being in a vulnerable position in the relationship. It’s much better to demand that your questions are answered fully and your needs are completely met to your satisfaction before you go all in with your open heart. I don’t mean punishing your man over and over again, but I do mean making sure he is giving you what you need to heal.
Many women are afraid to do this because they are afraid this will push their husband / boyfriend further away.
The truth is, you can’t afford not to do this. If you don’t level the playing field, you will allow resentment and unanswered questions to eat away at and harm a relationship that is already on shaky ground. Obviously, you need to set a high standard of honesty and full disclosure from this point on, so don’t be the one who isn’t totally honest about where you are and what you really need to move forward.
5. “Is Our Relationship Or Marriage Over Because Of His Cheating And His Affair?”: The answer to this, at least for me, is a resounding no! An affair of cheating can be a wake up call that drives you to address and fix the issues in your marriage through learning better relationship and communication skills.
I used to wonder if people who said their marriage is “stronger than ever after the affair” were just deluding themselves.
From my own experience, I now know this isn’t true. Sometimes, an affair really turns a light on to the problematic things that were hiding in the dark. So long as both parties are willing to do the work and healing required with an open heart and willingness to communicate honestly, an affair can mean the beginning of a more honest, healthy, and stronger relationship.